Smells Funny

SNL - Obama - Armisen

And the tide begins to turn.  I think this video is amusing.

Advice for President Obama on the School Speech

Dear Mr. President,

I understand that you would like to speak to the young people of the United States.  My, what an uproar you have caused.  Schools are now sending "opt out" letters home to worried parents who might not want their kids to watch your speech.  The level of chatter on this one may well rival that whole fiasco with the Cambridge police department and that Harvard guy.  Well, since the conservative expectations are so high that you will push some sort of inappropriate agenda to the young impressionable minds of this country, I think it best that you deliver against those expectations.  I have drawn up some thoughts for your speech that I think will help you meet the expectations of the American public.

First, if you really want to grab the kids attention early, I think you should open up with your personal thoughts on sex education in schools.  This topic will appeal to kids of all ages.  Teenagers like sex.  Wait, let me rephrase.  Teenagers like the IDEA of sex.  Hopefully many of them haven't had sex yet.  Anyhow, the teenagers wil perk right up for what it is you have to say once they hear the word sex.  For the younger kids, they will hear the word sex and giggle.  Many of those young kids don't really have a lot of hormones running through them yet, but they think the word sex is funny.  Personally, I think I have had hormones since I was born.  At the age of 6 I had a crush on a girl named Zera.  I can't ever remember a time when I didn't like girls.  That reminds me, I once dated Molly Ringwald (see picture a few blog entries down).  Actually, she wasn't really Molly Ringwald, but my buddy Cheeto thought she was Molly Ringwald and his wife had to set him straight.

Where was I?  Oh yes, sex education.  At the end of the sex education portion, I think you should offer free Presidential Condoms.  Think of the marketing on this!  A nice package with the presidential seal stamped on one side, and on the other side of the package you could put your picture with two thumbs up, and a slogan written underneath saying "YES YOU CAN!"  The condoms could come in red, white, and blue.  What a hit of a President you will be.  Some of these kids will be voting age by the time you are up for re-election.  They won't care what your political views are.  All they will remember is that you once pissed off some cops in Cambridge, and handed out some free condoms.  Re-election will be a walk in the park.

Next, once you have the kids attention, I think it's time to push Health Care hard.  These kids have parents and they rely on their parents to care for them.  Use scare tactics.  Keep the kids attention.  If you don't keep it interesting, they’ll start talking to each other and flirting with each other (after all, you did just talk about sex and offer up free condoms).  Tell them their parents aren't getting any younger.  Give them statistics on death rates and diseases for people over 40.  Find the worst statistics out there.  Have the CIA make some up if they have to.  Use words like non-hodkins lymphoma, mortality rates, and pancreatic cancer.  Make it personal.  Ask the kids directly "what's going to happen to you if you come down with the pig flu this fall and you don't have health insurance?  Do you think your parents are going to take you to the doctor if your family isn't insured.  You'll be a goner for sure."  Sure, you'll upset the pork farmers with that line, but let's face it, no one's going to stop eating bacon.  People like bacon too much, and throwing in the pig flu will keep it real for them.  Once you have the kids scared, it's time to get them committed to supporting your cause.  Point at them - look them right in the eye, and tell them that for the sake of their parents health, the sake of their brothers and sisters health, and for the sake of their own health, they need to call their local representatives and demand that we pass a health care bill that insures that 100% of Americans have guaranteed health care.  You will have phones ringing off the hook.

After that, you can push energy or whatever else you feel like talking about.  At this point in the speech the kids are going to be pretty exhausted.  All that talk of sex, free condoms, and death - those little folks aren't going to have much left for more.  Sheesh, on second thought, maybe you should just keep the message focused on staying in school and getting a good education - or maybe that was the idea all along and people are just blowing this whole thing out of proportion.  Huh... that hadn't occurred to me.

Sincerely yours,

Ed

P.S. If you ever need a new speech writer, I am your guy.  Just say the word.  I am all about service to my country.

BRING ON MID-LIFE!

I turned 39 earlier this month. Next year is 40. Mid-life has crept up on me and now I am firmly entrenched in it. I am married. I have 3 children (no plans for a fourth). I have an undergraduate and graduate degree. I have a good, relatively stable, job. I go to church most weeks. I have been a good boy. I think it's time for a crisis or a series of crises. So here goes...

I have always liked fast things. Growing up I wanted to fly F16s. I took a few flying lessons and even soloed an airplane a couple of times. I've had 6 speeding tickets that I can remember and at least 4 warnings for speeding (one with Dede's grandma in the back seat of the car). I've owned two 300+ horsepower cars and I've had one suspended license. I like to go fast. I like the rush.

My enjoyment of fast things has always been tempered by my anxiety which is even more powerful than my need for speed. I don't want to die. I am quite clear about that. The night before I soloed an airplane, I woke up every hour on the hour wondering if it was the last night I would be alive. After I picked up the keys to the plane and walked the green mile to the aircraft, I stopped at the restroom, where I had an extensive bout of violent stress induced diarrhea. I made it through the experience, but soon after gave up flying. I blamed giving up flying on not having the money to finish, but if I am being completely honest, it was an anxiety driven decision. The anxiety of going down in an aeronautical ball of flames and the fear of death won out over the need for speed and rush of an airplane.

As I approach 40, I have reflected on the things I have done in my life as well as the things that I haven't done in my life. I imagine this is how mid-life crises start. People begin thinking about their unfulfilled dreams. They know that it's half time and after the second half, the game is over. They think "If I don't do it now, I won't ever do it" and ka-blamo - a mid-life crisis begins.

One fast thing that I have never owned, but wanted to own, is a sport bike (aka bullet bike, rice rocket, crotch rocket, cafe racer, organ donor). I have owned a motorcycle, but not a sport bike. At the time I purchased the motorcycle, Dede forbade me from owning a sport bike. She did, however, consent to me owning a cruiser style motorcycle. I looked for the quickest one I could buy and purchased a 2001 Honda Magna 750cc. It was pretty fast, but I didn't care for driving motorcycles on the streets. I drove my Magna up a Utah canyon once, passing several 18 wheelers. It was very windy and it scared me. I only drove the bike about 1,000 miles before I sold it. Again, fear wins over speed.

There are several things I want to do in the second half of my life. I want to own a handgun and fire it off in a driving range. I want to take Dede to Paris. I want to see my kids graduate from school, get married, and have kids of their own. I want to be less afraid. I want to go faster. I want to own a bullet bike.

I have been thinking about purchasing a bullet bike for about a month now. I am obsessed and I can't get off it. I have brought the idea up to Dede. She is not a fan, but she has stopped short of forbidding it. We went to Utah on vacation this month. While in Utah, I did internet research on motorcycles. It turns out there was a new motor sports park in Tooele where they now race all sorts of motorized vehicles, motorcycles included. They also had go-kart rentals. Go-karts were a good reason to drag the kids out to Tooele. We could ride go-karts and I could see the new facility. These go-karts are much more advanced then the go-karts I grew up driving as a kid. When you rent them they give you a helmet and a neck brace. They are fast. Very fun. I also realized I was getting older, because they nauseated me. Still, very enjoyable.

As it so happened, while we were there, there were sport bike races on the motorcycle track. We watched for a few minutes as they screamed by. "I want to do that," I thought. While in Salt Lake City I went motorcycle shopping at least three times. Once by myself, once with my brother-in-law Kent, and once with my Dad. I have now read the September and October issue of Cycle World. The August/September issue of Ultimate Motorcycling, and the September Issue of Sport Rider. The obsession is gathering energy - but fear still looms in the background.

I am not forgetful of how I felt riding my last motorcycle around Salt Lake City. As part of my research on the best sport bike to buy I visited such websites such as beginnermotorcyclereviews.com to identify good starter models. I also went to youtube and started watching videos of people taping their motorcycle rides. Here is one such example...

Now... I am not a complete moron. I am well aware the riding a motorcycle at 173 miles per hour on the freeway is idiotic, but the idea of going 173 miles per hour does exhilarate me. Of course, surfing youtube for motorcycle videos also means seeing the good AND the bad. Don't worry, no one dies in this video, however you can find ones where they do.

Where there isn't videos, there are pictures of police scenes with dead motorcyclists lying in the road after having been hit by a Mack truck (literally). I think decapitation happens quickly at a high speed when one encounters an object as big as a truck traveling in the opposite direction.

And then, anyone who hates motorcycles and who knows someone that has had a serious injury on a motorcycle is always willing to tell you the grim story. As soon as the word motorcycle is uttered, stories of brain injuries, spinal cord injuries, and death of married men with children immediately flow with passion. These stories are not lost on me. My fear of death supersedes my desire to go fast.

What I think I need to do in order to realize my dream of owning and riding a sport bike is reduce the risk of serious injury or death as much as possible. Here are some findings from a few different studies:

• Approximately three-fourths of motorcycle accidents involved collision with another vehicle, which was most usually a passenger automobile.

• Over 59 percent of motorcyclists who died in single-vehicle crashes had blood alcohol content of 0.08 or higher.

• Motorcycle riders involved in accidents are essentially without training; 92% were self-taught or learned from family or friends. Motorcycle rider training experience reduces accident involvement and is related to reduced injuries in the event of accidents.

• Seventy-three percent of accidents involved motorcycle riders using no eye protection, and it is likely that the wind on the unprotected eyes contributed in impairment of vision which delayed hazard detection.

• The use of the safety helmet is the single critical factor in the prevention of reduction of head injury; the safety helmet which complies with FMVSS 218 is a significantly effective injury countermeasure.

So... I figure if I don't ride with passenger cars, ride sober, get training, and wear a helmet with eye protection I can reduce my risk substantially. Ultimately this meant just one thing for me.

I should ride motorcycles on a track!

On a track there are no passenger cars or other obstacles (other than other motorcycles), helmets and leathers are required, and training is required prior to riding on the track. The idea of riding on a track does not soothe my fears completely, and certainly it has it's own set of risks. It also increases the cost. To ride a motorcycle on a track I will need a tow hitch for Dede's minivan, a motorcycle trailer, a full leather riding suit, and then I will have to pay track fees.

I have learned that there are two tracks within about two hours of my house in New Jersey. One is in the Pocono's in New York and one is in Millville, NJ about 2 hours away. Track days are sponsored by several different organizations, but I think the two biggest are Pro-Motion and NESBA.

At Miller Sports Park in Salt Lake City, they have a two day "Yamaha Champions School" where one can drop $2,000 and ride sport bikes on the track for two days. It's intended to be instuctional, and the nice thing is that you use their motorcycles. I am not sure how Dede will feel about that should I decide to bring it up.

Stay tuned for part 2 - Motorcycle Shopping.

The Outhouse and the Fortune Cookie

 

Today I had two rather unfortunate sensory experiences. 

 

The first experience took place on the ferry (the boat) to work.

 

Pretend, for a moment, that some guy (not me) ate corn beef and cabbage for an entire week.  The corn beef was so fatty, that it backed this guy up.  Well, when it was time to “go,” this guy went into an outhouse to relieve himself.  For whatever reason, this outhouse had the striking resemblance of a ferry.  This outhouse sat on a river.  Sometime after the man had finished his business, 70 people (including myself) trying to get to the other side of the river, boarded the outhouse, thinking it was a ferry.  Before these people realized that they were in a foul smelling outhouse, and not on a ferry, the outhouse dislodged from the side of the river, thereby trapping the individuals inside the foulness.  One somewhat anxious individual inside the floating outhouse actually thought the smell was so foul that he feared he was being poisoned.  But, in the end, it was just the corn beef and cabbage, and they all made it safely to the other side. 

 

Apparently the toilet backed up on the ferry I was on this morning.  It was quite an experience.

 

The second experience took place at lunch.

 

In the cafeteria I ordered Chinese food.  With the Chinese food came a fortune cookie.  I was happy about this, as I have been feeling somewhat down lately and could use a good fortune.  After eating the Chinese food, I broke open the fortune cookie and ate one of the halves of the cookie.  It tasted like paint.  Not a faint taste of paint, but a robust taste of paint, like house paint.  I wondered if the Chinese had taken the lead based paint they were using in the toys some time ago, and poured it into a batch of fortune cookies.  I then realized that just because it was a fortune cookie, does not mean the Chinese made the cookie.  Anyhow…not a great tasting fortune cookie.

 

The fortune, however, could not have been more appropriate.  The fortune read:  “Find release from your cares, have a good time.”   Good advice, not much of a fortune, but very good advice.

The Broken Jaw

When I was 16 years old my jaw was surgically broken and reset to correct an overbite.  In order for the jaw to heal, my jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks.  The doctor wired my jaw shut by wrapping wire around my braces from the top teeth to the bottom teeth, back to the top teeth, and so on.  I was given a little pair of wire cutters to wear as a necklace, so I could cut the wires if there was a medical emergency that required me to open my mouth.  The doctor used puking as an example of when it might be appropriate to cut the wires.   I could only imagine how that was going to work.  What if the puking sensation had come on suddenly and I had to cut the wires while simultaneously puking?  What a mess.

After the surgery I was in the hospital for three days.  I had met a girl prior to the surgery who had told me that when she first woke up after the surgery she felt like she had been shot in the head.  She was right.  My head was wrapped with tape and gauze and swollen to twice its usual size.  

I remember the first meal the nurse served me the day after my surgery.  On a tray was a bowl of chicken broth, several cubes of jello, and a giant syringe.  I loaded the syringe full of jello cubes, pushed down on the syringe, and forced jello into my mouth and through the cracks of my teeth.  At that time I began to wonder what my food options would be over the next 8 weeks.  I was concerned with how I was going to eat enough food to survive.  At the time, I was 6'4" and 150lbs.  That was too skinny for a kid with a mouth that wasn't wired shut.

The first day home from the hospital, my dad made tacos for the family.  I was unsure how this would play out for me.  I soon found out.  First he made a beef broth and put it in the blender.  He then proceeded to make two perfect little tacos.  First the shells, then the meat, the lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and finally the taco sauce.  He took the two perfect tacos and threw them into the blender and then completely liquified them.  He poured the contents into a mug and handed it to me.  I drank my tacos.  Over the next 8 weeks I drank just about every meal imaginable through a straw.  I even had a Big Mac.  The special sauce overpowers all other flavors once it's liquified.  By the end of the 8 weeks, I weighed 135lbs.  

I suppose there are worse things than drinking all your meals to stay alive.  Having to eat your teammates like those people on that movie Alive - that's clearly a more unpleasant option.

Upon hearing this story, many people say "maybe I should wire my mouth shut, then I could lose some weight."  Yeah, maybe... Idiot.

The Top 5 Sexiest People

Have you been asked the question "if you were being exiled to a desert island and you could only take 3 movies with you, what would they be?"  This is kind of like that, but not really.  At my house we ask "who are the top 5 sexiest people?"  People magazine always comes out with their sexiest people list, but what do they know?  I have several top 5 sexiest lists, but I can't share all of them with you.  Taboo lists include the top 5 sexiest women at church, top 5 friends with the hottest wives, top 5 hottest relatives, etc.  I do have a few good lists to share though.  While this is generally an exercise in physical attraction, there are some non-physical traits that will exclude people from consideration.  Crazy behavior is the number one reason for being knocked out of consideration (Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are two excellent examples).  Here are three of my top 5 sexiest people lists:

The first list is the top 5 sexiest women under 40

1. Adrianne Palicki - plays Tyra Collette on Friday Night Lights.

2. Charlize Theron - the one from Italian Job and That Thing You Do - not the one from Monster.

3. Catherine Zeta-Jones - If ever there was a reason to use T-Mobile.

4. Tina Fey – because humor is sexy too.

5. Avril Lavigne – A bit of a rebel.  Doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.  Totally hot.

The second list is the top 5 sexiest women over 40.  These women have stood the test of time.

1. Salma Hayek - I first saw her in the movie "Fools Rush In," but I most recently saw her on several episodes of 30 Rock

2. Diane Lane - The Perfect Storm, Under the Tuscan Sun.

3. Katie Couric - former Today Show Host, now doing the CBS Evening News.

4. Patricia Heaton – Played Debra Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond

5. Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Elaine on Seinfeld

Here is the last list:  Top 5 sexiest men (if I were gay).

1. Matt Damon - Jason Bourne, Good Will Hunting.

2.   2. Clint Eastwood - Unforgiven, Gran Tourino, Dirty Harry.

3.   3. Leonard Nemoy – with or without the Spock ears.

4.   4. Adam Levine – Lead signer from Maroon 5.

5.   5. George Clooney - everyone knows George.

Barack and Michelle Obama could have made my lists as well.  I think they are easily the sexiest couple to occupy the White House (political beliefs aside).

 Well, that’s it.

Molly Ringwald

Did you guys know I once went out with Molly Ringwald?  Seriously.  First date.  I look hot.

12 signs I am a germaphobe...

1. If I am in an elevator with a group of people and one of them sneezes or coughs, I will hold my breath until I get to my floor, so I don't breathe in their germs.  If I can't hold my breathe long enough, I very discreetly put my face into the pit of my elbow and use my shirt as an air filter.  
2. I don't eat or drink anything that has passed its expiration date.  Dede continues to insist that the date is a "sell by" date.  Yeah right!  Milk must also pass the smell test regardless of the date. 
3. I will not eat or drink anything that has been left in the refrigerator without a cover - even if it's Kool Aid in a pitcher.  All refrigerated items must be covered or sealed.
4. If I am walking behind someone and I can see their breathe because it is cold, I will move out of the path of the breath trail so as not to breathe in their breath.  This often requires that I estimate the path of the breath trail, because it is only briefly visible.   
5. I don't eat food at pot luck events (church, work, etc.) unless I know who made it and I can verify that they don't have cats, that they don't smoke, that they aren't sick, and that they are generally clean.
6. If I am walking with an empty cup or glass that I am going to drink out of in the future I will hold the cup with the bottom of the cup facing forward so as to not catch stray germs in the cup while I am walking.  I figure if I hold the bottom of the cup facing forward, the germs will bounce off the bottom of the cup.  I do my best to forget that the arm also swings backward while walking therefore exposing the inside of the cup to germs during the backswing of the arm.
7. I don't share food or drinks with anyone except Dede and sometimes my youngest child Hank.  As soon as he gets old enough to have bad breathe, I will stop sharing with him as well.
8. No double dipping - period.  If I see double dipping I will abandon the violated dip and stare disgustedly at the culprit.  If my children double dip I will vocally express my disgust.
9. If someone at work is sick and they want to talk to me, they are not allowed in my office.  They must talk to me from outside the door.  If someone is recovering from a stomach bug and they have puked in the last 24 hours, I will put my face into the pit of my elbow and use my shirt as an air filter.  I will leave my face there the entire time I am speaking with the individual.  I am not discreet.  I want them to know that I disapprove of them bringing disease into the workplace.  If a sick person hands me a piece of paper I am sure to grab the paper in a place the sick person has not touched.
10. In an airplane I shut off the air vent above my head so that it doesn't blow the germ filled recirculated air at me.  Similarly, if I am in a car that has it's ventilation system set to recirculation, I start to breathe irregularly in an attempt to not take in as much oxygen.
11. There is no such thing as using too much toilet paper.
12. After touching a pole in the subway, I will not let me hands anywhere near my face until I have given them a proper washing.

We are all beggars...

The other day I was walking from my work to the ferry terminal in New York City.  It was after 7pm so it was dark, and it was cold outside (about 20 degrees).  A man wearing a suit and a trench coat approached me.  At first I thought he was asking me for directions.  I quickly realized he was asking me for money.  His story was that he had a car up on 56th that needed a new belt of some sort.  The price to replace the belt was 31 dollars and change.  He wanted me to give him the 31 dollars and change so that he could have the belt on his car replaced and go home.  He didn't have any money (I don't remember why, but I am sure he told me).  He told me that if I gave him the money he needed, he would take my address and send me the money back.

I could tell by looking at him that he was not a Wall Street banker and probably not well off.  In other words, I believed he needed the money, whether or not he needed the money to fix a car was the real question.

What I did next still troubles me.  I had about $50 on me and I didn't need any of it to get home.  So what did I do?  I gave him $20.  Why did I give him $20?  I figured that there was about a 65% chance he was telling me the truth, so I was willing to give him 65% of what he was asking for.  He would need to get the other 35% from someone else.

It's a little twist on the parable of the good Samaritan.  You know the one where the guy on the road to Jericho is robbed and left for dead on the side of the road.  The first two guys who see him ignore him, while the last guy bandages him up, takes him to an inn and pays for his stay while he recovers.

If I am using this particular parable as a guide, there were really only two options in my situation:  Give they guy the $32 dollars he is asking for or don't give him anything at all.  In the parable, there is no passer by that offers to bandage up half of his wounds and pay for half of his stay at the inn.  "I'm not sure you are really that hurt, so I'll just help a little.  I have the resources to heal you completely, but I think you might be overreacting a little."

I told my colleagues at work the story the next day.  The reaction was harsh.  "You gave him money - you're an idiot.  Wearing a suit is the oldest trick in the book."  

The oldest trick in the book?  Really?  I have never been approached for money by a stranger in a suit.  I figure even if he was looking for drug money, he deserved the $20 just for standing out in the freezing cold and concocting such an elaborate story.  Of course if he really needed the $32, I figured he should stand out in the cold a little longer to beg for the other $12 from someone else.  Nice Ed.

There is a special place in heaven reserved for people like me.  It's called a halfway house.  I can hear the verdict now:  "Ed, we're going to let you into heaven, but only for four days a week.  The rest of the week you'll have to stand outside the gates."

The 10 lessons of Buford the Fish - dedicated to p.i.g.hog who is a little slow on the uptake...

Apparently Shan needs an explanation for the Buford the Fish story.  So sad.  I think the story stands nicely on its own.  In the spirit of "no child left behind" I will explain to Shan the 10 lessons of Buford the Fish and how he can apply this timeless classic to his life.  Here we go...

Lesson #1  Don't buy the last goldfish in the tank.  Spend your goldfish money on an ice cream cone or a box of Junior Mints.  The last goldfish is an inferior fish.  There probably used to be dozens of goldfish in that tank.  Every other buyer passed up on the last fish and you should pass up on it too.  50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong - if you know what I mean.  Just about any other use of your fish money will provide more satisfaction.

Lesson #2 Don't be the last goldfish in the tank.  This one is a little like "don't be the last one picked on the playground."  There is only resentment from those that picked you and abuse is sure to follow.  Find a way to get picked early, even if it means biting off the fin of another fish.

Lesson #3  While God may love all his creatures, Ma Plummer does not.

Lesson #4  Over eating is bad.  It will kill a fish and it will kill a person too - maybe not as quickly, but overtime arteries will clog, girth will expand, diabetes will set in, and people will make fat jokes about you - then you will die.  Hey, have you ever heard the one about...?  

Lesson #5  We are all going to die.  Sucks, doesn't it.

Lesson #6  Take care of the fish you love.  There aren't always "other fish in the sea."  Well.. there are, but no one likes them.  There is only one Buford the Fish.  If you kill a fish you love, you won't be able to replace it.  Naming the next fish Buford the Second isn't going to bring back Buford the First.

Lesson #7  Have hope.  You might see that little guy again in that great bowl in the sky.  Of course if you killed the fish, you're going to hell.

Lesson #8  You can't have sex if you are alone.  It's a simple principle.

Lesson #9  If you have a fish you don't like, yelling obscenities at it might make you feel better.

Lesson #10 There are two kinds of fish in this world - the Buford's and the Buford the Second's.  Get busy livin' or get busy dyin' - that's what I always say.  Carpe Diem.  Show your colors, make some noise, swim a little.  If you do that, someone might even sprinkle a little food in your bowl.

Well, that wasn't so hard was it?  Lots to learn, lots to learn.  What a treasure of a story.

Ed