It's been a long time...

It turned out that when I called the folks in Ohio to challenge the vote count in that state, they told me that no one in Ohio had voted for me.  I was so devastated that I took some time off from politics and have not even bothered to give a concession speech.  I really thought I had this thing won.  Such a disappointment.  I am doing okay now.  Thanks for all of your letters of support.

TO PRESIDENT ELECT OBAMA:

It's time for me to officially congratulate you on your presidential victory.  Congratulations - President Elect Obama.   

It looks like you've been making some quick decisions as President Elect.  Good luck with Hillary and that whole Secretary of State thing.  Don't let her completely take over the joint.  If you don't watch her, you're going to have a Dick Cheney situation on your hands.  Before you know it, you'll have more strings attached to you then Pinnochio.  Yep, that Hillary is a real pit bull.  

Speaking of dogs, how is that family dog thing coming?  Your kids must be really excited.  I'll bet your kids wake you up every morning asking when that dog is going to show up.  I know that's what my kids would be doing.  By now, the pressure from my kids would be so intense that I would have to threaten them with no dog at all just to keep them quiet.  I can just hear the kids now:  "Oh great, you have time to pick a Secretary of State, a Chief of Staff, and a Treasury Secretary, but you can't find us a dog?"  This dog decision isn't going to be easy.  It's like picking a member of the family.  I know you have indicated that you want a small dog, but you have also said that you would like the dog to be a mutt and hypoallergenic.  A small, hypoallergenic, mutt?  You're not making this easy on yourself.  How does one find a hypoallergenic mutt?  I suppose when you are President finding just about anything is possible, unless you're George W. Bush and you're looking for Osama Bin Laden. Hey, I have an idea!  What if you name the dog Osama Bin Laden?  That way, when you find a dog, you can announce that you have found a dog AND Osama Bin Laden.  That's like killing two birds with one stone.  You'll be a hero!  

When I was growing up, we had a little Yorkshire Terrier named Winnie.  I guess my parents felt like parenthood wasn't challenging enough so they bought this dog.  Let me tell you something Mr. Obama, this dog was awful!  Absolutely untrainable.  That dog humped everything and everyone that ever entered that house.  Imagine if your dog does that.  Your dog could be trying to hump heads of states, the queen, or even William Ayers.  "Hello Mr. Putin, excuse my dog."  That could create some pretty embarrassing situations.  Winnie also defecated everywhere.  Disaster.  My mother couldn't stop saying dammit when talking about that dog.  At one point I thought that was the dog's name.  Now my parents own another Yorkshire Terrier.  Her name is Alice.  She is quite friendly, but irritating none the less.  My mother wants to exterminate that dog.  Are Yorkshire Terrier's hypoallergenic?  If so, she might be willing to give that dog to you.

Have you thought about how you are going to have work/life balance as President of the United States?  Your daughters may become teenagers in the White House.  I have a teenage daughter.  Let me tell you something, diplomacy takes on a whole new meaning.  I'll bet on at least one occasion one of those girls is going to try and guilt you with the words "this country is more important to you then we are!"  How do you respond to that?  Talking about the ultimate work/life challenge.  Does the government have one of those 800 lines you can call to get advice on how to better manage work/life balance when you are President of the United States?  You might want to give them a ring.  

Well, congratulations again President Elect Obama.  If I can't be President, I am glad you are.

All the best.

E-

P.S. Please call me and let me know which part of the cabinet you would like me to serve in during your presidency. 

Comments

[Tom Plummer]

Ed, You crack me up. I opened this just before falling asleep, now my body is quaking. Seriously, I think you should consider a career in writing--the stuff you're doing here is original, fresh, and unique. Then you can hire me as your editor, just to take care of the small stuff. Unless you agree, I will have to refuse to edit your work. This has to be contractual. That way, at least, I can be a tagalong to fame. You might have to get Cheeto on board too. How did you guys find each other, anyway?

[Louise Plummer]

Hilarious. You could be Obama's life coach.