Smells Funny

We are all beggars...

The other day I was walking from my work to the ferry terminal in New York City.  It was after 7pm so it was dark, and it was cold outside (about 20 degrees).  A man wearing a suit and a trench coat approached me.  At first I thought he was asking me for directions.  I quickly realized he was asking me for money.  His story was that he had a car up on 56th that needed a new belt of some sort.  The price to replace the belt was 31 dollars and change.  He wanted me to give him the 31 dollars and change so that he could have the belt on his car replaced and go home.  He didn't have any money (I don't remember why, but I am sure he told me).  He told me that if I gave him the money he needed, he would take my address and send me the money back.

I could tell by looking at him that he was not a Wall Street banker and probably not well off.  In other words, I believed he needed the money, whether or not he needed the money to fix a car was the real question.

What I did next still troubles me.  I had about $50 on me and I didn't need any of it to get home.  So what did I do?  I gave him $20.  Why did I give him $20?  I figured that there was about a 65% chance he was telling me the truth, so I was willing to give him 65% of what he was asking for.  He would need to get the other 35% from someone else.

It's a little twist on the parable of the good Samaritan.  You know the one where the guy on the road to Jericho is robbed and left for dead on the side of the road.  The first two guys who see him ignore him, while the last guy bandages him up, takes him to an inn and pays for his stay while he recovers.

If I am using this particular parable as a guide, there were really only two options in my situation:  Give they guy the $32 dollars he is asking for or don't give him anything at all.  In the parable, there is no passer by that offers to bandage up half of his wounds and pay for half of his stay at the inn.  "I'm not sure you are really that hurt, so I'll just help a little.  I have the resources to heal you completely, but I think you might be overreacting a little."

I told my colleagues at work the story the next day.  The reaction was harsh.  "You gave him money - you're an idiot.  Wearing a suit is the oldest trick in the book."  

The oldest trick in the book?  Really?  I have never been approached for money by a stranger in a suit.  I figure even if he was looking for drug money, he deserved the $20 just for standing out in the freezing cold and concocting such an elaborate story.  Of course if he really needed the $32, I figured he should stand out in the cold a little longer to beg for the other $12 from someone else.  Nice Ed.

There is a special place in heaven reserved for people like me.  It's called a halfway house.  I can hear the verdict now:  "Ed, we're going to let you into heaven, but only for four days a week.  The rest of the week you'll have to stand outside the gates."

The 10 lessons of Buford the Fish - dedicated to p.i.g.hog who is a little slow on the uptake...

Apparently Shan needs an explanation for the Buford the Fish story.  So sad.  I think the story stands nicely on its own.  In the spirit of "no child left behind" I will explain to Shan the 10 lessons of Buford the Fish and how he can apply this timeless classic to his life.  Here we go...

Lesson #1  Don't buy the last goldfish in the tank.  Spend your goldfish money on an ice cream cone or a box of Junior Mints.  The last goldfish is an inferior fish.  There probably used to be dozens of goldfish in that tank.  Every other buyer passed up on the last fish and you should pass up on it too.  50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong - if you know what I mean.  Just about any other use of your fish money will provide more satisfaction.

Lesson #2 Don't be the last goldfish in the tank.  This one is a little like "don't be the last one picked on the playground."  There is only resentment from those that picked you and abuse is sure to follow.  Find a way to get picked early, even if it means biting off the fin of another fish.

Lesson #3  While God may love all his creatures, Ma Plummer does not.

Lesson #4  Over eating is bad.  It will kill a fish and it will kill a person too - maybe not as quickly, but overtime arteries will clog, girth will expand, diabetes will set in, and people will make fat jokes about you - then you will die.  Hey, have you ever heard the one about...?  

Lesson #5  We are all going to die.  Sucks, doesn't it.

Lesson #6  Take care of the fish you love.  There aren't always "other fish in the sea."  Well.. there are, but no one likes them.  There is only one Buford the Fish.  If you kill a fish you love, you won't be able to replace it.  Naming the next fish Buford the Second isn't going to bring back Buford the First.

Lesson #7  Have hope.  You might see that little guy again in that great bowl in the sky.  Of course if you killed the fish, you're going to hell.

Lesson #8  You can't have sex if you are alone.  It's a simple principle.

Lesson #9  If you have a fish you don't like, yelling obscenities at it might make you feel better.

Lesson #10 There are two kinds of fish in this world - the Buford's and the Buford the Second's.  Get busy livin' or get busy dyin' - that's what I always say.  Carpe Diem.  Show your colors, make some noise, swim a little.  If you do that, someone might even sprinkle a little food in your bowl.

Well, that wasn't so hard was it?  Lots to learn, lots to learn.  What a treasure of a story.

Ed

Buford the Fish

I find that lately I have had very little to write about on this thing.  This is evidenced by my lack of posting.  Maybe it's the economy sucking the thoughts out of my head, or maybe the thoughts weren't there to begin with.  In the absence of having something to say, I have decided to share with you a portion of a letter that my mother sent me on October 27, 1989 just after I had left home for the first time.

A little background here.  My family had a goldfish.  His name was Buford.  Buford died.  He was replaced with Buford the Second.  I didn't name him.  I think my brother Sam named him.  Why he couldn't come up with a better name than Buford the Second, I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  Here is my mother giving me her assessment of Buford the Second, here we go...

"About this fish, Buford the Pathetic or Buford the Albino, whichever you prefer.  He is the world's ugliest fish.  Looking at him makes me want to throw up.  I bought him on Monday morning.  I said, "I would like a fan-tail goldfish please."  The pet store lady said, "We only have one left."  ONLY ONE LEFT.  In other words, Ed, this is the fish nobody wanted.  And the reason is because he is pathetically homely.  He looks like a glob of mucous with a little blood in it.  Seriously.  And his eyes are black.  I shudder when I feed him and I'm seeing how fast he'll die from verbal abuse.  "You're pathetic," I say.  "You're nothing like your older brother, Buford the First, who was a beautiful deep gold color and swam energetically around the bowl.  You merely hover in one spot looking like you're recovering from a lobotomy.  You're spit with fins."

I don't know why Buford the First died.  Maybe from too much attention.  He was out in the living room for Dad's birthday party and made so much noise at the top of the bowl that Al Wirthlin commented on what a loud fish he was.  But wasn't that just like Buford?  Always hustling attention for himself.  He was a real card.  And I think as far as fish lives go, he had a wonderful and fulfilling life, although his sex life may have left something to be desired since he was alone a good part of his life.  I may have overfed him.  (Dad says that's a first!).  Anyway, if it's my fault that he died, I'm deeply sorry.  Frankly, I think goldfish have very short lifespans and I am comforted to know that we will meet again in that great bowl in the sky.  Families are forever."

And there you have it.  

Blog Clean Up

It was time to clean up the blog.  The election is over and as much as I love Tina Fey, I have taken down all of the SNL videos related to the elections.  I have added one new SNL video in the MEDIA section on the right column.  It's Peyton Manning & the United Way.  One of my favorites.  More changes coming.