Smells Funny

The Outhouse and the Fortune Cookie

 

Today I had two rather unfortunate sensory experiences. 

 

The first experience took place on the ferry (the boat) to work.

 

Pretend, for a moment, that some guy (not me) ate corn beef and cabbage for an entire week.  The corn beef was so fatty, that it backed this guy up.  Well, when it was time to “go,” this guy went into an outhouse to relieve himself.  For whatever reason, this outhouse had the striking resemblance of a ferry.  This outhouse sat on a river.  Sometime after the man had finished his business, 70 people (including myself) trying to get to the other side of the river, boarded the outhouse, thinking it was a ferry.  Before these people realized that they were in a foul smelling outhouse, and not on a ferry, the outhouse dislodged from the side of the river, thereby trapping the individuals inside the foulness.  One somewhat anxious individual inside the floating outhouse actually thought the smell was so foul that he feared he was being poisoned.  But, in the end, it was just the corn beef and cabbage, and they all made it safely to the other side. 

 

Apparently the toilet backed up on the ferry I was on this morning.  It was quite an experience.

 

The second experience took place at lunch.

 

In the cafeteria I ordered Chinese food.  With the Chinese food came a fortune cookie.  I was happy about this, as I have been feeling somewhat down lately and could use a good fortune.  After eating the Chinese food, I broke open the fortune cookie and ate one of the halves of the cookie.  It tasted like paint.  Not a faint taste of paint, but a robust taste of paint, like house paint.  I wondered if the Chinese had taken the lead based paint they were using in the toys some time ago, and poured it into a batch of fortune cookies.  I then realized that just because it was a fortune cookie, does not mean the Chinese made the cookie.  Anyhow…not a great tasting fortune cookie.

 

The fortune, however, could not have been more appropriate.  The fortune read:  “Find release from your cares, have a good time.”   Good advice, not much of a fortune, but very good advice.

The Broken Jaw

When I was 16 years old my jaw was surgically broken and reset to correct an overbite.  In order for the jaw to heal, my jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks.  The doctor wired my jaw shut by wrapping wire around my braces from the top teeth to the bottom teeth, back to the top teeth, and so on.  I was given a little pair of wire cutters to wear as a necklace, so I could cut the wires if there was a medical emergency that required me to open my mouth.  The doctor used puking as an example of when it might be appropriate to cut the wires.   I could only imagine how that was going to work.  What if the puking sensation had come on suddenly and I had to cut the wires while simultaneously puking?  What a mess.

After the surgery I was in the hospital for three days.  I had met a girl prior to the surgery who had told me that when she first woke up after the surgery she felt like she had been shot in the head.  She was right.  My head was wrapped with tape and gauze and swollen to twice its usual size.  

I remember the first meal the nurse served me the day after my surgery.  On a tray was a bowl of chicken broth, several cubes of jello, and a giant syringe.  I loaded the syringe full of jello cubes, pushed down on the syringe, and forced jello into my mouth and through the cracks of my teeth.  At that time I began to wonder what my food options would be over the next 8 weeks.  I was concerned with how I was going to eat enough food to survive.  At the time, I was 6'4" and 150lbs.  That was too skinny for a kid with a mouth that wasn't wired shut.

The first day home from the hospital, my dad made tacos for the family.  I was unsure how this would play out for me.  I soon found out.  First he made a beef broth and put it in the blender.  He then proceeded to make two perfect little tacos.  First the shells, then the meat, the lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and finally the taco sauce.  He took the two perfect tacos and threw them into the blender and then completely liquified them.  He poured the contents into a mug and handed it to me.  I drank my tacos.  Over the next 8 weeks I drank just about every meal imaginable through a straw.  I even had a Big Mac.  The special sauce overpowers all other flavors once it's liquified.  By the end of the 8 weeks, I weighed 135lbs.  

I suppose there are worse things than drinking all your meals to stay alive.  Having to eat your teammates like those people on that movie Alive - that's clearly a more unpleasant option.

Upon hearing this story, many people say "maybe I should wire my mouth shut, then I could lose some weight."  Yeah, maybe... Idiot.

The Top 5 Sexiest People

Have you been asked the question "if you were being exiled to a desert island and you could only take 3 movies with you, what would they be?"  This is kind of like that, but not really.  At my house we ask "who are the top 5 sexiest people?"  People magazine always comes out with their sexiest people list, but what do they know?  I have several top 5 sexiest lists, but I can't share all of them with you.  Taboo lists include the top 5 sexiest women at church, top 5 friends with the hottest wives, top 5 hottest relatives, etc.  I do have a few good lists to share though.  While this is generally an exercise in physical attraction, there are some non-physical traits that will exclude people from consideration.  Crazy behavior is the number one reason for being knocked out of consideration (Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are two excellent examples).  Here are three of my top 5 sexiest people lists:

The first list is the top 5 sexiest women under 40

1. Adrianne Palicki - plays Tyra Collette on Friday Night Lights.

2. Charlize Theron - the one from Italian Job and That Thing You Do - not the one from Monster.

3. Catherine Zeta-Jones - If ever there was a reason to use T-Mobile.

4. Tina Fey – because humor is sexy too.

5. Avril Lavigne – A bit of a rebel.  Doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.  Totally hot.

The second list is the top 5 sexiest women over 40.  These women have stood the test of time.

1. Salma Hayek - I first saw her in the movie "Fools Rush In," but I most recently saw her on several episodes of 30 Rock

2. Diane Lane - The Perfect Storm, Under the Tuscan Sun.

3. Katie Couric - former Today Show Host, now doing the CBS Evening News.

4. Patricia Heaton – Played Debra Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond

5. Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Elaine on Seinfeld

Here is the last list:  Top 5 sexiest men (if I were gay).

1. Matt Damon - Jason Bourne, Good Will Hunting.

2.   2. Clint Eastwood - Unforgiven, Gran Tourino, Dirty Harry.

3.   3. Leonard Nemoy – with or without the Spock ears.

4.   4. Adam Levine – Lead signer from Maroon 5.

5.   5. George Clooney - everyone knows George.

Barack and Michelle Obama could have made my lists as well.  I think they are easily the sexiest couple to occupy the White House (political beliefs aside).

 Well, that’s it.

Molly Ringwald

Did you guys know I once went out with Molly Ringwald?  Seriously.  First date.  I look hot.